GLOBAL WARMING QUIZ NIGHT

LOOK OVER THE DESCRIPTIONS OF THE FOLLOWING TWO HOUSES AND SEE IF YOU CAN TELL WHICH BELONGS TO AN ENVIRONMENTALIST.

HOUSE # 1 A 20-room mansion (not including 8 bathrooms) heated by natural gas. Add on a pool (and a pool house) and a separate guest house all heated by gas. In ONE MONTH ALONE this mansion consumes more energy than the average American household in an ENTIRE YEAR. The average bill for electricity and natural gas runs over $2,400.00 per month. In natural gas alone, this property consumes more than 20 times the national average for an American home. This house is not in a northern or Midwestern "snow belt" either. It's in the South.

HOUSE # 2: Designed by an architecture professor at a leading national university, this house incorporates every "green" feature current home construction can provide. The house contains only 4,000 square feet (4 bedrooms) and is nestled on arid high prairie in the American southwest. A central closet in the house holds geothermal heat pumps which draw ground water through pipes sunk 300 feet into the ground. The water (usually 67 degrees F.) heats the house in winter and cools it in summer. The system uses no fossil fuels such as oil or natural gas, and it consumes 25% of the electricity required for a conventional heating/cooling system. Rainwater from the roof is collected and funneled into a 25,000 gallon underground cistern. Wastewater from showers, sinks and toilets goes into underground purifying tanks and then into the cistern. Thecollected water then irrigates the land surrounding the house. Flowers and shrubs native to the area blend the property into the surrounding rural landscape.

HOUSE # 1 (20 room energy guzzling mansion) is outside of Nashville, Tennessee. It is the abode of that renowned environmentalist (and filmmaker) Al Gore.

HOUSE # 2 (model eco-friendly house) is on a ranch near Crawford, Texas. Also known as "the Texas White House," it is the private residence of the President of the United States, George W. Bush.

MY NAME IS MUD

They tried to warn me that if I wasn't careful my name would be mud. Now, I see, it has come to pass.

HEALING THE EARTH?

Just in case...

It hit 75 degrees here in lovely, suburban Caledonia yesterday. I took out all the storm windows and put up the screens without hurting myself one little bit. Got the whole house fan going and there was a comfortable breeze scented with Spring wafting through the old Wooden House. I walked around in shorts all day and in my spare time read "1776" by David McCullough.

(If you haven't McCullough you should! I am very impressed with the way he writes history. This is my first book by him and I'm loving it!)

Anne of the House asked me if I wanted to barbeque burgers and pork chops for dinner. What a delightful idea! I found the charcoal out in the shed. (I didn't have to pull out the Weber grill because we leave it out all winter just in case.) I got my utensils ready, lit the fire, spread the Kingsford and began grilling.

As I sat out on the back stoop enjoying the warm evening I had a creeping chill run up my spine. What if the Religious Witness for the Earth people are right? I mean, I know that all creation is groaning waiting for the revelation of the sons of God. But what if, by some weird chance, they are right? What to do?

I decided to try and lay hands on the earth. You know, just in case. But what kind of prayer does one pray for the spiritual healing of the earth? I'm not sure I ever learned that at the Harvard of Evangelicalism or in seminary. I puzzled as I crouched in my backyard with my hands on the moist ground. Pretty soon the neighbors were sneaking peeks at me and I began to feel self-conscious. My dogs started sniffing around me, wondering why I was squatting in their bathroom. Still nothing came to mind. It was becoming awkward.

So, just like we used to do when we got caught praying over a meal at The Big Banjo, I pretended I was looking for something in the grass, shook my head disappointedly, and stood up to check the burgers.

I just hope Al Gore doesn't find out I chickened out. Then he'll be able to blame George Bush and that Shiloh Guy in Michigan.

Sorry, you guys.

THIS IS A RECORDING...

Hi, I'm Molly, the receptionist at Shilohman International. The Shilohman is sorry that he can't keep his appointment with you right now. He is busy trying to resolve some knotty question in Ephesians 5:25-33 for Sunday's sermon. If you would like to leave a brief message including the time of your visit and a number where one of his people can get back to you, Shilohman will give you his compassionate listening ear if time permits. Thank you for understanding.

(Pssssst, don't let him know I told you, but Anne of the House is writing again! Those of us here at Shiloh headquarters think she's better than he is anyway! Check out The Wooden House!)

SPRING HAS SPRUNG!

This post will be nothing more than a series of ramblings to keep you up to date on life in the Wooden House located near the west coast of the Mitten State.

At the moment of this writing, we are exactly two hours away from the Vernal Equinox, aka, the arrival of Spring. (Be sure to balance an egg on its end!) Today’s high was 44. It is currently 38 but the sky is cloudless and as blue as you could want. I hope the Yakimaniac notifies Al Gore about the raging heat we are feeling here in lovely, suburban, Caledonia.

Airman John was home for two weeks. He was supposed to help the local Air Force recruiter. Ricky the Recruiter sent him to the mall twice and told him to get him a total of four contacts which Airman John did in a matter of minutes. I can hear the conversation now, “Hey, buddy! Come here a sec. I have to get four names and phone numbers for Ricky the Recruiter and then I can go home. Come on. Gimme a break. You don’t have to listen to him. Just let him call.” We put Airman John on the bus for Florida yesterday morning which is supposed to be home for him for the next two years. I think maybe we should start planning a trip for January, 2008. (Unless global warming puts Florida under water by that time.)

Mark the Worship Guy has fallen in love. His beloved lives up in Minnesota, north of the Cities. He’s moving up there tomorrow so Anne of the House and I went to lunch with the two of them today. It was almost too much for Anne, saying goodbye to two of her kids on consecutive days. (Yes, Mark the Worship Guy was like one of our kids.) Minnesota, huh? I tried to encourage him by telling him that, thanks to global warming, it was soon to be an ocean-front retirement area.

I see YB of the SC is hoping the Anaheim Hills become the source for a reemergence of surf and car music. That would make the Matterhorn the new Catalina Island, I think. YB, if you can just keep your whole neighborhood from burning down in the Santa Ana windblown fires you may be in luck!

Son #2, Caleb, is thinking about heading out to Lake Tahoe this summer to live with his big brother who is now running a pizza restaurant out there. Aaron says he can help Caleb get a job fighting the forest fires out west. I think Caleb would be better off preparing to be a Pacific Ocean lifeguard at Tahoe Beach.

Thanks for listening.

AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH

You guys all know I’m not Mr. Science. When I was at the Harvard of Evangelicalism, the most difficult science class I took was “The Botany of Economic Plants,” aka, “Lunch with Leedy.” I wrote my term paper on “The Care of Putting Greens on Municipal Golf Courses.” In that class I was surrounded by athletes of all shapes and sizes.

My major was Communications. Minors in Bible, Spanish, and Education. Nothing there should vaguely resemble science.

I have spent nearly every day since college (with a few brief interruptions) in ministry. No call for scientific knowledge there.

Hopefully I have established my non-scientific credentials. So if I am wrong about this you will know that I am coming at it honestly.

I don’t know what Al Gore’s scientific credentials are. I know he thinks he invented the internet but I don’t know what he studied in college. I don’t even know what advanced degrees he holds. He now has an Academy Award but I don’t think that is like Nobel Prize for science.

Allegedly, there is a hole in the ozone layer. Allegedly, this contributes to global warming. Allegedly, global warming is melting the polar ice caps, the Greenland ice shelf, and all the glaciers in the world. Allegedly, southern Florida will be under water by 2100.

Here’s my question. If there is a hole in the ozone layer, how does Al Gore know that it isn’t allowing the heat to ESCAPE from our atmosphere? I do know that heat rises. The hole in my chimney allows the heat to escape from my house. Maybe if we got far enough away we would be able to see the heat escaping from the hole in the ozone layer!

And if the sun is so hot, why is it so cold in space?

Maybe we should look for another explanation for why the temperatures are rising!

Thanks for listening!

"IN GOD WE TRUST?"

Have you received the irate emails from Christian people who are all ticked off that the United States mint took the words “In God We Trust” off the new Presidential One Dollar Coins? I was swamped with these emails. I can’t begin to guess how many I received. “How dare they take ‘In God We Trust’ off the coins!! Don’t use the new dollar coins! Just another example of the direction our government is going! We have to fight this! Let your congressman hear about it! We can’t just sit here and do nothing while our country goes to hell!”

A few days later it came out that the coins which were sent out without the “In God We Trust” were actually sent out on accident. They never intended to delete “In God We Trust” from the coins. The words are imprinted on the edge of the new dollars. Of course I got another email complaining that by putting “In God We Trust” on the edge of the coin it is just another sign that America is pushing God to the edge of our lives.

I want to start another protest. I hope you will all join me in this one. I want all Christians to stop using American currency until the US Mint takes “In God We Trust” off of it! I have never heard anything so ridiculous in my life! How can the US government sleep at night? How can the guys at the mint keep a straight face? “In God We Trust?” And it’s printed on MONEY? You have to be kidding! “In God We Trust” has to be one of the biggest lies I’ve ever heard! It’s about time they took it off the money! The phrase on our money ought to be “In This We Trust.” Or we could print it on the weapons we give to our military and on all our bombs, “In This We Trust.”

What’s this talk about “pushing God to the edge of our society?” Our society kicked God out years and years ago! There is no pushing going on. I find it astonishing that God hasn’t simply stomped us out of existence! What grace and mercy is this that he has been so patient with us? I think God would be pleased if we took the lie off our currency! Maybe our currency should read, “Thank God for Mercy.” Or, “God, Please Forgive Us.”

Please, please don’t come after me with the “unpatriotic” thing. This really has nothing to do with patriotism or whether or not I love America. I am begging for realism and honesty. Our country doesn’t trust in God and it hasn’t for a couple of hundred years. Why should we be upset if they did take “In God We Trust” off the coins. It might be a sign that they are starting to listen to their consciences after all!

Christian friends, instead of getting all lathered up about our American currency, let’s do this: Let us faithfully and fervently pray for the people around us and seek out ways to invest in their lives and share the gospel of the love of God with them. We can’t change our country, but God really can! One person at a time!

WHEATON SHOOTS AND SCORES!

And now, ladies and gentlemen, the list you have all been waiting for has been published! We welcome the 2007 version of the Princeton Review’s College Rankings. Yes, your alma mater, The Harvard of Evangelical Christendom, The Oxford of Midwestern Conservatism, The Yale of Christian Academia, has scored very high on eleven, count ‘em, eleven (11) of the PR’s lists. Oh, where to begin?

Why put off the good stuff? This is what you really want to know anyway. How did Wheaton, dear old Wheaton score on the partying lists? With all due respect to our venerable Smoking Christian who for some reason or other seems to think Wheaton turns out a very high percentage of alcoholics, I submit the PR’s assessment.

In answer to the question, “How widely used is beer?” we came in second only to Brigham Young University as the least “hopped up” college.

“How about hard liquor?” you ask. We won that one, coming in first as the least (not yeast) users over, yes, you guessed it, BYU! (UCSB gets a #14 on the other side of the list!)

What about the wicked weed? I can’t seem to explain this one except that the United States academies must have very stringent rules about hemp. Of course, BYU is first, followed by the Naval Academy, the Air Force Academy, the Coast Guard Academy, and the Merchant Marine Academy. The Orange and the Blue gets smoked and comes in #6 behind them. (I wonder about Army?)

How do you get an overall rating for party schools? You combine questions having to do with the use of drugs and alcohol, number of hours spent studying, and the popularity of Greek frats and sororities. Wheaton parties on at #2, again trailing BYU. (UCSB is #10 and you might guess they aren’t studying a whole lot there.)

Let’s move to some of the less “interesting” categories. Speaking of parties, among schools that long for the “good old Reagan days,” we are #7. Of colleges that are least accepting of alternative lifestyles we rank #4. In the category of “Future Rotarians and Daughters of the American Revolution” we climb all the way to #3. (Makes me so darn proud!)

“So what could be left?” asks the curious alumnus. Ah, food! Wheaton’s food is ranked #3 among all the colleges. (Remember getting a beat up piece of beef and calling it “steak night” every other weekend? I guess that is routine now except the beef is USDA prime!) Then there is the “Town and Gown” category. How well do college students get along with the townies? We are #8! And in overall quality of life, alma mater checks in at #16!

Why, you may wonder, does Wheaton score so well in all these areas? How could it be such a generally outstanding place to spend one’s college years? I could refer you to the pictures Peter’s Ashtray and suggest it is because of the studly guys on campus, but that would be too shallow. Here is your answer. In the category of percentage of students on campus who pray, Wheaton is #2, behind, yep, you guessed it, BYU!

“Wheaton, dear old Wheaton, live forever!”

ADVENTURES IN DRIVING

Caleb, son #2, finished up his finals and headed home from Lake State University last night. It’s spring break here in blizzard world! He had two guys riding with him. One had to be dropped off over in Alma which is rather northeast of us. The other had to be dropped in Holland which is 45 minutes straight west. It’s a lot of driving but they pay for his gas!

The weather was very bad last night. It had warmed up during the day and the roads had become quite slushy. Of course, when it got cold last night, all the water and slush turned to ice. Some of you know how that is. I had cautioned him to take his time and drive slowly.

Around 9:30 last night he called. The conversation went like this:
“Dad, I’m ten feet off the highway.”
“You’re what? Ten feet off the highway?”
“Yeah, ten feet off the highway.”
(Confused) “That’s nice. What are you doing ten feet off the highway?”
“I got sucked off the road.”
“You what?”
“I got sucked off the road.”
“So are you trying to tell my you lost control of the car and went off the highway?”
“Yeah. What am I supposed to do?”
“Are you all ok?”
“Yeah”
“Is the car ok?”
“I think so.”
“Do you want me to come up and get you?”
“No. I’m 21 years old and I’ve never spun out on the highway before and I don’t know what to do.”
“I’m 53 years old and I haven’t spun out on the highway before.”
“One of the guys has a AAA card.”
“OK. Call AAA. If they won’t help you then call information for the number for the state police and they’ll help you.”
“OK. I’ll call you back.”

A half hour later he called. AAA wouldn’t send a wrecker until the cops were there. So Caleb called the cops but before he could hang up the phone the wrecker was there anyway. Caleb sat in the squad and chatted with the cop while the wrecker pulled out the car. No charge! Praise the Lord! All’s well.

He finally got home around 5:30 tonight. (Had to go straight to see the girlfriend!) I told him how glad I was he was home safely. I mentioned how nice it was that he didn’t have to pay a lot of money to get pulled out. Then he told me that he spun out off the highway a second time and went through the same process again. This time it cost him $60.

I asked him what he thought the problem was. He knew the roads were icy and that he would have to drive slowly. What happened? How could he spin out twice?

Caleb looked at me and said…

Are you ready? This is worth it! Wait for it now…

“Well, Dad, when I hit the ice I couldn’t get the CRUISE CONTROL OFF FAST ENOUGH!”

Amazing!

Good night!

WHAT'S WRONG WITH US?

I have been watching Fox News in the mornings for several years now. CNN finally wore me out with the way the make the news and although the morning hosts on Fox can be silly sometimes I prefer their honest approach to watching the news. When the tea or coffee is ready and the porridge is made I sit down and catch the headlines and see what’s going on in the world.

I quit watching the news last week. “Why?” you ask. Good question. I’m angry and I’m not going to take it any more. I am so sick and tired of seeing hour after hour of coverage of Anna Nicole Smith and Britney Spears that if I see one more story about them I might do damage to my TV set and then how could I watch USC beat some SEC team in the BCS Bowl Championship game next January?

Now, let me get serious. This national infatuation we have with Anna Nicole Smith and the men who claim to have gotten her pregnant out of wedlock disgusts me. This morning, before I could change the channel, I saw a crowd of people across from the morgue waiting to see the hearse carrying her body drive away. There were families waiting. People with cameras. What’s going on? Will those children someday tell their grandchildren they saw Anna Nicole’s hearse drive away? Is some proud photographer going to flash his prints at the local pub and point and say, “There! That’s the hearse with her body!” Anna Nicole Smith got famous because she took her clothes off for Playboy. In our society that makes someone a celebrity! What is wrong with us?

Britney Spears is a spoiled little brat who thinks the world revolves around her and there doesn’t seem to be one person around her to tell her how wrong she is. She makes a joke out of marriage and parenthood. She drinks and drugs herself unconscious. She shaves her head and then in a blind rage attacks a car with an umbrella. And America waits breathlessly to see if she is going to stay in rehab. What is wrong with us?

What is wrong with us? We have young men and women dying every day in wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. We have wounded and broken bodies being sent home every day to parents, wives, sons and daughters and we have the gall to be entertained by information about a dead addict and a living addict who seems to be trying to kill herself? Please don’t ask me where my Christian compassion is. I’m venting here. It’s not Anna and Britney that upset me. It’s our society! It’s us!

We should be ashamed! We should be disgusted! Someone should say something! Maybe I should say something! Certainly I should say something! We better be careful what we are watching on TV and what we are talking about in our coffee shops. It’s not honoring to God to even mention the things they do in secret. America will be called to answer for her entertainments and idolatries and if I (we) do not warn her I (we) will be culpable. Perhaps we will not be able to change a society that is already so damaged but maybe a few people will hear us. Maybe there are people out there who are ready to hear some real Good News for a change. God help us.

Thanks for listening.