WHEATON SHOOTS AND SCORES!

And now, ladies and gentlemen, the list you have all been waiting for has been published! We welcome the 2007 version of the Princeton Review’s College Rankings. Yes, your alma mater, The Harvard of Evangelical Christendom, The Oxford of Midwestern Conservatism, The Yale of Christian Academia, has scored very high on eleven, count ‘em, eleven (11) of the PR’s lists. Oh, where to begin?

Why put off the good stuff? This is what you really want to know anyway. How did Wheaton, dear old Wheaton score on the partying lists? With all due respect to our venerable Smoking Christian who for some reason or other seems to think Wheaton turns out a very high percentage of alcoholics, I submit the PR’s assessment.

In answer to the question, “How widely used is beer?” we came in second only to Brigham Young University as the least “hopped up” college.

“How about hard liquor?” you ask. We won that one, coming in first as the least (not yeast) users over, yes, you guessed it, BYU! (UCSB gets a #14 on the other side of the list!)

What about the wicked weed? I can’t seem to explain this one except that the United States academies must have very stringent rules about hemp. Of course, BYU is first, followed by the Naval Academy, the Air Force Academy, the Coast Guard Academy, and the Merchant Marine Academy. The Orange and the Blue gets smoked and comes in #6 behind them. (I wonder about Army?)

How do you get an overall rating for party schools? You combine questions having to do with the use of drugs and alcohol, number of hours spent studying, and the popularity of Greek frats and sororities. Wheaton parties on at #2, again trailing BYU. (UCSB is #10 and you might guess they aren’t studying a whole lot there.)

Let’s move to some of the less “interesting” categories. Speaking of parties, among schools that long for the “good old Reagan days,” we are #7. Of colleges that are least accepting of alternative lifestyles we rank #4. In the category of “Future Rotarians and Daughters of the American Revolution” we climb all the way to #3. (Makes me so darn proud!)

“So what could be left?” asks the curious alumnus. Ah, food! Wheaton’s food is ranked #3 among all the colleges. (Remember getting a beat up piece of beef and calling it “steak night” every other weekend? I guess that is routine now except the beef is USDA prime!) Then there is the “Town and Gown” category. How well do college students get along with the townies? We are #8! And in overall quality of life, alma mater checks in at #16!

Why, you may wonder, does Wheaton score so well in all these areas? How could it be such a generally outstanding place to spend one’s college years? I could refer you to the pictures Peter’s Ashtray and suggest it is because of the studly guys on campus, but that would be too shallow. Here is your answer. In the category of percentage of students on campus who pray, Wheaton is #2, behind, yep, you guessed it, BYU!

“Wheaton, dear old Wheaton, live forever!”