WATCHING THE WORLD SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO!

This item came off the Reuters newswire today. Byline, San Agustin, El Salvador.

“Friends and relatives of Cruz Hernandez gathered on Wednesday to celebrate her 128th birthday, a milestone that might make her the world’s oldest person.

“Hernandez, who relatives say spends most of her time dozing and no longer speaks, was surrounded by some 200 people at her party, some bearing a cake and others dressed as Salvadoran mythological heroes.”

What Reuters did not report is that her company is worried they will not be able to replace her if she should suddenly die. A spokesman said, “Where could we find another person who spends most of his time dozing and doesn’t speak?”

The Shilohman staff idly wondered if Cruz was able to blow out all the candles on her cake on one try. COTSCO is checking its membership records to see if she ever joined the church. If she did, it is doubted that she would have the lung capacity to succeed and see her wish granted. Rumor has it that the Smoking Christian himself is looking into beatifying Cruz immediately upon her death.

After the party, Cruz revealed to our investigative reporters that those guests were not Salvadoran mythological heroes but were actually some of her high school boyfriends.

When told that 104-year-old Wook Kundor of Malaysia recently married Muhamad Noor Che Musa, 33, Cruz reportedly giggled and wrote the following note: What's wrong with that girl? Why would she want to tie herself down to just one man? So many men, so little time!"

Reuters reports, “Guinness (Book of World Records) claims Ecuadorean Maria Esther de Capovilla is the world’s oldest living woman at age 116.”

When Cruz was informed of this she immediately signed through an interpreter that she was challenging de Capovilla to a cage match on live television immediately following American Idol as soon as the Unanimous show ends. She said, “You tell Capovilla that her nephew, Pancho Villa, was nothing more than a no good, punk, criminal illegal alien!”

COTSCO is allegedly looking further into this story. The church’s protonotary, a savvy linguist, noted that Cruz’ hometown and country is translated into English as, Saint Augustine, The Savior. Dan Brown of “DaVinci Code” fame theorized that this is not heresy because Mrs. Jesus, aka Mary Magdalene, was remarried to Augustine’s great-great-great-great grandfather and, by virtue of that fact, passed on some of the Holy Grail to his line making Augustine a kind of savior. COTSCO’s Holy Inquisition is poised, waiting for the order to initiate retributive action against the alleged heretics.

When asked about the apparent contradiction between beatifying Cruz and launching an inquisition, a COTSCO spokesman said, “Huh?”

(Note: Neither of the women in the picture above is Cruz Hernandez!)